A love letter..to the first man I have ever loved.

Dear Dad,


I miss you!
Next to I LOVE YOU these are the first three words I can remember saying and writing down in a lifetime of letters, texts, hasty scratchy phone calls, emails and even small post-it notes.
Its no wonder really, what with the nature of your job. You are forever on the go, going out there, working overseas for 6-10months and to the best of your abilities putting food on the table. And for that I am forever grateful. I think its safe (or perhaps, easy for me to say now) that we, in part grew up without your daily presence. You were always there, naturally, everytime we say a prayer before bedtime, we always say one for you. "PLEASE KEEP DADDY SAFE LORD" and "MAY HE BE HOME TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH US THIS YEAR." Yep, those were the exact words.


I am not begrudging you of your work of course, how can I when it is that very nature of work, that provided for us. I know its not easy, and the sacrifices you have made are great, but we have always been here dad. (ME and ATOT). 


We never really talked openly about the separation, but I remember you telling us the first time how it has to be. I know you and mommy had problems, but I also thought that you guys were working on it, so when you told us that night 
( i can't even remember exactly), it came as quite a shock to us, to me especially. You were the mature parent that time, explaining to us the difference in our arrangements, why you and mommy can't make it work, and that even if things are different now, you would still love us and that you still love mommy "AS A BROTHER LOVES A SISTER". (whatever that means..)
I know it was hard explaining that to an 11 and a 12 year-oldadd (girls!i might add), but somehow you managed to try to make the best of an apocalyptic situation for your school-age girls. and for that, again, THANK YOU! I also remember you making a promise that night.. that no matter what happens, you will always love us and that you will always be here for us and that we can always talk to you. 
And without a doubt, I know you still very much love us, but we can hardly talk to you now,  so Im not sure if you are still there for us as well. I don't know if its because, the two little girls that you left behind are not little girls anymore? And somehow you were robbed of fathering little angels, instead you got stuck with teenagers full of angst?


Guess what daddy, those teenagers grew up too. And I know this may seem unlikely, but they grew up level-headed. Damaged yes, but very level-headed and practical.


I know I have always constantly tried to prove to you and to the world that we weren't affected with the separation, ( we didn't go into drugs, got pregnant, flunked out of school or even went to jail) but boy was I ever wrong (again!).
And somehow as we grew older the world's opinion mattered less and less, and
no one ever comes out if it unscathed, and I mean no one. Not you, not mommy, not Atot. We came out badly bruised and damaged as we fumbled with the oddities and the awkwardness of having two separate lives, both with two very different parents. (time and time again, I always find myself asking..HOW ON EARTH DID YOU TWO EVER END UP TOGETHER?) 


But I guess, you both had your reasons and I respect that. And to clarify, I never hated you and mommy for breaking up, or I never thought you both as "SELFISH" for having to give-up that easily, what always got me riled up was how callously you two handled the whole separation and how immature you dealt with each other. You see, in all honesty I really want to see you both happy. Be it with mommy (eeewww...please LORD GOD NO!) or another life companion. I just want to see you happy and loved dad.


Because in my heart of hearts, I know no other woman will ever love you more than we love you. I may not understand you (and I wont even try). But, this doesn't have to be so hard you know, we can always talk it out and try to discuss things as we used to. 


After all, a girl never forgets her first love.. the yardstick of all future lovers, the big omnipotent being that can do anything from lifting her up in the air and catching her, to opening a jar of pickles to always rebuffing the mothers' nagging tirade.. their fathers.


I love you daddy..I know I don't have to get you, but I do know that I love you.
I will always be here.






Love,


9tha